Pink and green are birthday colors

I've talked before about the fact that in my next life, I'll be a party planner. 

I like decorations.  I like to color-coordinate.  I like little details that probably no one else notices.  I like all the "before" stuff that comes with a party.

Unfortunately, it means I tend to pick up my camera before the party really starts, and then put it down and miss all those "moments" during the party itself.

I captured a few... a very few.

The biggest thing I failed to capture, though, is how much it overjoyed me to have my friends and family around to celebrate our little girl. 

I didn't capture the laughter and giggles of 6 toddlers when the bubbles came out.  The way they grinned as they chased pink balloons.  The way our little house was lit up with people and love and generosity.  The perfect sunny, spring day.

We're awfully blessed, here in our little corner of the universe.  Healthy, happy, full of love. 

Birthdays, cake anxiety and crazy pregnancy dreams

First, we made this:

Then, we made this:

Today, we made this:

For this:

Not to imply that the last one is as amazing as the first two, but I have to admit it: I'm pretty dang proud of this silly cake. 

Maybe it's because of the anxiety and anticipation leading up to it.  I literally had nightmares - not just regular scary dreams, but the weird pregnancy kind where the most bizarre and unsettling things happen - about making this cake.

Not to mention, it was something of a production requiring a host of tools I never knew existed.

It began on Thursday, when I did the actual baking.  We ran into a slight hitch when my wonderful, helpful assistant dropped one of the layers on the floor, requiring an 11 p.m. run to the store and another afternoon of baking.

We decorated the cake last night at like 11:30 while watching Father of the Bride Part II.  Oh, and just in case you were wondering, 11:30 and pregnant ladies?  We don't get along so well.

We whine and complain.  A lot.  Especially when we've encountered each other two nights in a row. 

But we still make kick-butt cakes when push comes to shove (and it usually does - the push being off the couch or out a tall window, depending on how much complaining there was). 

In the end, all the stress and worry was totally worth it. 

I'm not sure I have it in me to top this one.  This very well may be as good as it's ever gonna get in the cake decorating department.  Good thing I saved it for a birthday she's always going to remember.  That is how it works, right?

To My Baby Girl

My darling 2 year old big girl,

I can't begin to express my joy over this second year of your life.  Although you stole my heart even before I laid eyes on you, I think it's possible that this second year was even more amazing than your first.

Your first steps.  Your first words.  Your growing vocabulary.  The sunshine of your laugh.  Your sweet generosity and helpful spirit.  Your stubborn independence.

Everything in my life is sweeter because of you.  It is impossible to believe that we've now known one another for two whole years; these days are beautiful and devastating because I know you will be small only fleetingly.  Someday much too soon, you will fly away on wings of promise to your own dreams, never fully understanding that you are the epitome of mine.

You are precious in every way.  The joy in my heart, the anchor in my soul, the love of my life. 

Don't forget to listen to God's voice in everything you do and everywhere you go.  He always answers prayers.  I know: He brought me you.

Happy birthday.  I love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

The Circle of Life

The first really warm day of spring - 65 degrees, that's right!

Trip to Costco.

Visiting the zoo in the afternoon.

A movie about the animals we saw at the zoo.  Or, at least, part of it, so Mommy and Daddy can make dinner.

While sitting in the Costco box and wearing a hat she picked out herself, no less.  I mean, really.  It's the only way to watch movies.

Yes, Casey and I are children of the 90's in case you couldn't tell...

BLT's and the first bacon I've had since finding out I'm pregnant.

No planning or grading to do this evening.

That's an excellent Sunday night in my book.

Welcome, second trimester!

Baby size: Lemon (3.4 inches)

I have to open this post by observing that it's still difficult for me to comprehend the fact that I'm as "baby-bumped"-out as I am.  There is absolutely no question about it: I'm pregnant.  Even when I'm out and about, strangers notice.  No amount of prenatal yoga seems to make a dent.

There's no way to compare my first pregnancy with this one. I'm two completely different sizes.

September 2009: 14 weeks

November 2009: 25 weeks

What hasn't changed, though, is my excitement over leaving the first trimester behind.  I feel better, although to be fair I haven't felt bad in the last month or so.  Both times, I've been extraordinarily lucky when it comes to the first trimester yuckies. 

We finished reading The Hunger Games to the baby.  We didn't read it consistently because I had some ambiguity about it's content, what with it being about kids forced to kill one another.

At the end of the day, though, as anyone who has ever miscarried can attest, the strongest desire is for that tiny one just to survive; to make it.  That makes "Hunger Games" a perfect fit.  Besides, we read The Illiad for the same reasons when Leah was tiny, and she doesn't seem too demented so far...

Either way, I think we'll pick up with Harry Potter again before too long.  I love, love, love that Casey reads to our babies, even before they're able to hear his voice. 

More than anything else, I have to document the sense of relief I feel at entering the second trimester.  Another milestone where the risk drops considerably, and we're that much closer to meeting this little one. 

Gratitude?  I'm up to my eyeballs in it (and that's saying something, given the belly it has to overcome to reach that high!!!).

The older you get, the more you know that beauty means pain

Our beautiful big girl,

Today, you got your ears pierced.  It was supposed to be a birthday present from a mommy and daddy who love you very much.  Although as I think about it nowI'm not sure it's the world's most loving gift, you did better than I could have dreamed.

You were so patient as the girls marked and double checked your ears.

Even though you looked a bit apprehensive as the big moment approached, you were such a trooper!  You were pretty surprised when you found out just what "ears pierced" really means!  You cried for a few seconds, but as soon as the candy bowl appeared,

you exclaimed, "Candy!" and the tears dried up immediately after that.

You even managed a smile (that breaks your mother's heart).

Besides, once we mentioned your two favorite words (ice cream!),

you were all smiles and told us, "feel better now."

Happy birthday, big girl.  We promise, next year we'll get you something that doesn't require any holes to be punched in your body.  We are so proud of you!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

When fertility affects friendships

It's been two years since that special day.  It's beyond difficult to believe.  How can time pass that quickly?

I'm left reflecting on a great many things as the little's birthday approaches, but without question one of the biggest changes in my life over the past two years has been a very distinct shift in my social circle.

Sure, men can pee standing up.  But we?  We can make people. 

It's just that some of us go a different route than others.  Some of us make those people early in our lives and others wait or don't make people at all.  All of it is perfectly okay. 

Still... it creates a gap.  The haves and the have-nots.  Two completely different worlds that, within a friendship, must exist simultaneously. 

It's a gap I often haven't been fortunate enough to bridge. 

I can't regret the decision entirely, because in the absence of my other life friends I have found  new and extremely rewarding relationships with many amazing women forged through the bond only motherhood can create.   

As I addressed those invitations, I had such unease about who to send them to.  It was a funny feeling; there are a few people from my old life I'd like to come.  To be totally honest, though, I'm not sure we're even still friends.  I'm just not the same person I was two years ago.  The hours we keep are completely different and the priorities have shifted so greatly that conversation seems awkward and forced.  Not to mention, I don't know how many years in a row I can continue asking people to celebrate all the milestones in my life without any real way to reciprocate.

Come to your birthday and drink with you until 2 a.m.?  I can't.  My babysitter is sick and my kid gets up at 6.

At least with other mommies, we're all on square footing: you come to my kid's birthday party, I'll come to yours.  Accepted socialization hours are 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. at places where no one is expected to sit still or behave themselves.  Conversations about other people's bodily fluids are perfectly normal and encouraged.

Part of me thinks it's a sad state, the fact that these two worlds don't coexist naturally. 

The other part of me, though, the one that delights in my little girl's development, can't wait to potty train and loves to hear the stories of all the mommies who have been there before me, thinks it may just be part of the journey.  One of the many things we go through on this path; giving up pieces of who we used to be in order to become new and better creatures lucky enough to be named MOM.

For many reasons, I hope it won't be like this forever.  Either my friends will have kids eventually and we'll be able to rekindle the bond that once existed, or my own children will get older and the time constraints will become less or different. 

Either way, it's a casualty I didn't foresee two years ago. 

Is it worth it?  Always, always.