Catch up

So, the truth here is that I haven't been able to post any pictures for almost a month.  Why?  I have absolutely no idea.  It won't troubleshoot, but other people are having this issue as well, so I'm hoping the proverbial "they" will fix it soon.

I've held off on posting some of the things I've already written because I can't add the photos that would finish them off, and it's given me another excuse - besides all the other things taking my time - not to write any new posts.

Logan is five weeks old, and pretty darn incredible in his mother's humble opinion.  But there have been some other kind of important changes in our lives as well.  Like, you know, the really big kind.

Just to start off with, we closed on our new house the same day we left the hospital (the first time... that would be prior to having to go back again).  Luckily, Casey had power of attorney so I didn't have to take my brand new-born son to an office building at three days old. 

In the days since...
Casey drove an hour each way to instal new flooring throughout the house.  Mostly in the middle of the night.
New fixtures (light and plumbing).
We painted Leah's room.
Carpet was installed.
Casey painted the fireplace, staircase banister, windowsils and many of the doorframes with a fresh coat of white.
New appliances were installed - half by my hubby.
One week ago, we moved from Littleton into our new home.
We've unpacked approximately 15 (of like 700) boxes.
Furniture has been assembled, moved and moved again.
Corners, walls, windows, cabinets, shutters and more have been washed.  And vaccuumed.  Then again.
Our kitchen is almost entirely set up. 
So is Leah's room.
The rest of the house... not so much.
I still have a two and a half year old.
I still have a newborn.  He still does all the things newborns do, including eating round the clock, needing his mommy all the time and that other thing in his diaper that I have to tend to due to all the eating.
I'm still recovering - although I'm sooooo much better - from that whole giving birth process.
Casey still has a job that he has to go to.
With not enough sleep in between.

Suffice it to say, we've been a little busy.

I can't describe the joy and happiness we've been blessed with - it's pretty much unequaled in this season of our lives.

I also have to record that I'm as overwhelmed as I can remember being in my life.  I have been pretty much since May when we learned we'd actually have to move.  The process of finding a house, moving to my mom's, finally finding THEONE, bidding, losing, negotiating, getting, renovating and finally moving into it.  While in my third trimester.  Immediately after having a baby. 

Holy.Moly.

I think it was Charles Dickens who wrote about the best and worst of times (and if it wasn't, I'm blaming post-baby brain), and that's absolutely how I feel.  I'm not sure Casey is going to recall his son as a newborn, and I mean that seriously. 

So that's where we've been.  I'll post pictures when I'm able; the transformation is pretty cool.

Leah adores her new house.  Before we moved in, she was telling strangers that we had a new house and she was going to have a new room.  She loooooves her new room, and it's not even finished yet. 

The house we're going to raise our family in.  The house my children will always call home.  It will be worth it, even though it has been hard. 

RIP, February (but not really.)

Dear February,

You may have Valentine's Day and an extra slot on the calendar this year, what with the whole keeping-our-seasons-in-alignment and whatnot, but I'm still beyond glad to see you come to an end.

I hate to play favorites, or, in this case, anti-favorites, but you are by far the month I struggle most with.  Pregnant or no, I yearly find myself feeling most lethargic, most impatient, and the closest to touching a darkness I very seldom feel. 

I miss the sun.  I miss the smell of green grass and the vibrancy of the air.  I miss being warm and bare toes.  I'm tired of sweaters, socks, coats and runny noses and hand sanitizer.  I'm tired of being tantalizingly close to spring without actually being able to reach out and touch it.  I never lament that you're the shortest month, and I slightly resent this extra day. 

So, dear February, don't take it personally.  We can't all be winners; someone has to come in last in every race.  It is time to fade into obscurity and let the brighter light of March shine.  And, as I always am at this time of year, I'm grateful that we won't meet again for another 365 days. 

See ya then,

Not your biggest fan

On being 1 for 3

Three pregnancies.  One baby.

It's a darn good thing that one baby is so over-the-moon awesome, otherwise I'd probably feel a lot worse.  Yes, she makes up for an awful lot of her momma's heartache.

Still... one for three.  That's not a good batting average.  If I'm a football team, I'm the Detroit Lions. (Or the CU Buffs, but I don't really need to kick me when I'm down.)  Yikes.

It's a strange feeling. 

One minute, I'm kind of amazing.  I'm making a person with this incredibly bright future ahead. 

And then the path splits: there's the one I've seen ahead of me, full of ultrasounds and heartbeats and childbirth classes and maternity leave.  Somehow, the road I took veered off and doesn't much make sense.  This is the road where I don't have a baby in May, and I shouldn't even be sitting here writing this post, but that other road is suddenly blocked to me and I can't get back on.  ROAD CLOSED, it reads.

Two roads diverged on a Friday evening, and I took the one I never again wished to travel.  The one I've been worried about literally since we started talking about getting pregnant.

But here's the worst part.  The very, most worstest part of all:  I think I may have done this to myself.

Here's what I said in February: "We should start trying early, just in case I have a miscarriage."

Then again in May: "I hope we get pregnant soon so if I have a miscarriage, we'll still time to have two close in age."

Even after the positive pregnancy test, I made Casey go out and get another box.  "I'm going to want to test again in a few weeks," I sheepishly explained, "just in case."  My mom even joked that I just like peeing on the sticks.

I didn't want to write the 1 week-post-find-out letter.  The one I wrote to Leah.  It seemed too early and I put it off.  I did it of course, but more out of obligation, and I found myself wishing those were words I really felt.  Knowing that, when the baby turned out to be healthy, I'd be really glad I'd written them. 

With Leah, I had such confidence in the pregnancy.  Sure, I worried.  Every pregnant woman worries.  But I also bonded with her from day one.  I didn't this time around, and I think it's because I knew this was coming.  In some Shakespearean twist of fate, did I bring this on myself?  Was it simply a self-fulfilling prophecy?

So I'm mad.  And sad.  And kind of mad at God, because He knew this was what I feared from the beginning and still, here we are anyway.  When I get up there, we're having words about this.  Harsh words.

And I'm again struck by the sense that it's silly to grieve for something that never really was.  Have all the early abortions you want, people, because I've seen what's in there, and I'm telling you... it's nothing.  Physically, it's nothing.  Unless you really wanted it to be something, in which case it's everything. 

When that everything is gone... well, it leaves you sad, mad and cursing at God a little. 

One day soon, I'll count my blessings and have a reasonable person's perspective on this.  One day soon I'll recognize that we can have another baby, and this isn't the end of the road.  But for today, I'll stamp my feet like a toddler and cry, because I don't want another baby.  "I wanted this baby!"  I'll stubbornly yell, as if by yelling I could will it into being.   

And then, I guess, I'll pick up and keep going.  Because that's what the rest of the world will do.

Even though it feels like a little piece of my world has ended.

Because you are wildly loved

You throw the cups, brightly colored to attract your little toddler eyes, fiercely off the table and yell, "NO!"

{You are wildly loved}

Your fists pound in an uneven rhythm, beating out the words of frustration you cannot say.

{You are my heart, my wild love}

Little hands raise that pink sippy cup above your head, and bring it down with the full force of your strength.  Right into my nose.  You laugh, entertained by my cry of pain.

{A mother's love is endless}

The whole grocery store wincecs as we pass by and you yell out the opposite of sweet nothings at the top of your lungs.

{The sunshine of your laugh gets me every time}

Your head rests against my shoulder, your arms circle my neck and your eyes flutter with the heaviness of sleep.  You are warm.  You are beautiful.  You are mine. 

{The answer to my life's question}

I will do it all again tomorrow, with  more gratitude than you'll ever know.

{You are wildly loved}

Reflections (Ramblings?) on Motherhood

Baby fever has begun here in our house.  I am fortunate to know no less than four beautiful mommies - including my very own BFF - who are waiting to go into labor at any moment. 

My role in this is very insignificant: I just keep waiting for that phone to ring.  Me... who never, ever, ever answers her cell phone and often takes full days to respond to text messages since I didn't know one came in.  Now I'm glued to my phone 24/7. 

Ring ring.

Jessica's having her baby!  I have to go to the hospital!  I scramble to find my phone and frantically yank it from whatever remote pocket of my purse it happens to be in. 

Nope.  Just Casey.  (And yes, I appreciate how terrible it sounds when I'm disappointed that my husband is calling me.  Let the judgement begin.)

And of course, it takes me back.

Reaching that moment?  Utterly life-changing. 

There is simply no way to be ready for it.  One moment, you're you - albeit you King-Sized, but still  you - the next, you're someone completely different.  You're someone's mother.  You are responsible no longer for growing a person; now you're charged with a more significant task: molding and shaping the life of a human being.

Being a mom is hard, no doubt. 

In so many ways, that first year is not what I expected.  It was infinitely more challenging, because the learning curve is so steep.  Everything is new, and as a mother, your approach to everything is completely different. 

It's more than just being a mom.  It's figuring out how to be a wife.  A worker.  A cleaner of the house.  A grocery store shopper.  A driver.  A chef.  A daughter.  A friend.  And still there is that monumental task of figuring out and caring for the beautiful individual you have been blessed with.

In other words, there are many opportunities to fail in each of these role.  And as a new mom, you do.  Often. 

But God is kind.  These are things you don't know yet, on that day when you hold that little miracle in your arms.

Besides, when it comes to motherhood, I firmly believe imperfect is the new perfect.

Things I'm doing lately

...dreading my husband going away

...getting excited for summer

...signing Leah up for swim lessons

...watching Veggie Tales without the little.  Because they're awesome and make me laugh

...dreaming about the future

...running with the new jogging stroller.  (Have I not mentioned this?  It's worthy of it's own post!)

...trying to get into "couponing."  It's a lot of work

...longing for a good book to read

...wishing my church had MOPS and Bible study groups over the summer.  Why do they take a break, when that's the only time I can do those activities?

...going to bed MUCH too late for one who has to be up at 5

...almost bought an ovulation test (I don't need it yet, but OH BOY was it tempting)

...cleaned up pee pee on the floor after letting a naked wild woman run through my house

...enjoying - as always - the show!

Behind the Scenes

I totally stole this idea from another blogger (thanks, Cindy!). Even though I love to blog, and I try very hard to be honest in my blogs, there are many things you don't see behind the scenes.

So, today, my blog is dedicated to all the things that I haven't written for various reasons; a "behind the scenes" look at my life behind the blog.

What you don't see in my blogging is...

Someone who, even two and half months later is not physically recovered from my c-section.

Someone who could very easily slip into the role of mother, disregarding all the other hats I should be wearing.

Someone who is addicted to TV. Even when I have no idea what's on and I'm not even watching it, the TV is always on in our house.

Someone who is filled with fear, so much that it keeps me awake at night.

Someone who has immense guilt over that fear.

Someone who is afraid that I've become too accustomed to being happy. I no longer think I could handle tragedy and come out sane on the other side the way I did when I was younger.

Someone who has cried more in the last year - from happiness, from frustration, from fear, from the gravity of the beautiful life I have been charged with, but mostly from happiness - than ever before in my life (and that's saying something!).

Someone who has always loved her body, but HATES how everything is just bigger these days.

Someone who has extremely conservative values when it comes to my child.

Someone who loves going to church, but doesn't go regularly.

Someone who always tries to do the right thing, expects others to do the same, and is disappointed when they don't.

Someone who is surprised by how great a toll having a baby takes on a marriage, even when the marriage is strong. (And I hate to think of what would have happened without a strong marriage!)

Someone who is struggling to find a balance in my new life.

Someone who isn't always patient, especially with the people who love me.

Somone who has a very hard time living in the moment.

Someone who desperately craves time with my husband.

Someone who loves to take naps!

Someone who re-reads and re-watches favorite books and movies dozens of times.

Someone who spends too much money at Starbucks.

Just a few of the things that make up my life, but that I don't always talk about.

Workin' Mom

What on earth would cause a person to:

- Cry in the shower

- Behave like a schizophrenic lunatic whose world is ending

- Procrastinate everything possible

- Feel horribly depressed

- Make your husband drive you to and from work when you have two working cars

Answer: Going back to work after maternity leave.

I absolutely dreaded this day, although I knew it would come.

It's not that I dislike my job. In fact, I feel extremely grateful to be where I am. I love the school that I work for, I love the kids, and I adore my co-workers. But the idea of driving away and leaving my baby behind me was unbearable.

I did okay on Sunday before I had to go back to work. I simply didn't think about what had to happen the next day. Besides, I still had time.

I sobbed in the shower that night, after which I convinced Casey (because he is a saint) to drive me to work and pick me up so that I wouldn't have to do the thing I had been dreading, and actually drive off and leave her.

But I still had all night.

I was up much before the alarm went off at 5 a.m. I watched the minutes count down until the alarm went off and convinced myself not to lose it. Besides, I still had an hour and a half before I had to leave.

I nursed Leah at 6 before we had to get in the car and couldn't quite hold back my tears. But, at least I still had the car ride...

...which went much too fast. I still had 20 minutes...10 minutes...3 minutes...

I was saved from the awful moment in which I had to say goodbye by the appearance of a co-worker, who saw me getting out of the car and wanted to see the baby. Instead of feeling heartbroken in that moment - the one that had FINALLY come, even though I tried to fight it - I left feeling elated that I had gotten to show off my beautiful baby.

I was comforted by seeing the kids again, getting their hugs and hearing about how much they had missed me. It was fun to see the other teachers again and realize that, even though my world at home was perfect, there were things I missed about my job. I put together a quick slideshow of pictures to show the kids, so in some ways I didn't feel like I was all that far away.

And, the neat thing about my job is that I am too busy to fully appreciate how much I miss her.

Nonetheless, I will be very grateful on May 21st, when I get to go back to doing what my heart really yearns to be doing: being Leah's mommy.