Thursday, May 17, 2012

The one about my hormones taking over

I think I've been pretty good with all the hormonal changes of pregnancy.

I've never been one of those to complain, and I don't think I'm some kind of hormone-crazed maniac who can't control her moods.  Talk to my husband, and he may tell you a different story (but probably while I'm out of earshot, 'cause he's no dummy).

With Leah, I spent the first trimester a bit weepy.  The oddest things would make me cry... a car commercial, a bottle of milk past its expiration date.  Just about every song on the radio.

And of course, I always cry when I'm happy, pregnant or not.  I'm pretty sure it's a family trait. 

This pregnancy, though, I feel like my hormones have been mello.  I don't think I've had many obviously pregnacy-induced mood swings, although my patience is definitely less this time.  Partly, I'm sure, due to the lack of sleep I experienced during the first half of this pregnancy. 

For the last week, though, I have the weepies again.  I have no idea where it came from.  Out of the blue, I can't seem to stop crying.

Covering up Leah one night, I got that same old feeling of desperately wanting time to freeze so she can stay exactly as she is.  The same one I had for the first six months or so of her life that left me kind of a messy, sobbing wreck.  I think it was brought on by the fact that I watched the very end of Father of the Bride, where he talks about never again seeing his baby girl at the kitchen table in her socks, hair all mussy from sleep.  - Sob -

In hindsight, I probably should have picked a different movie...

Then again last night. 

If you haven't heard, Casey and I are officially under contract on our house.  I am soooo excited, and I should be nothing but grateful for this amazing opportunity.

Our realtors put together a slideshow of images of our house set to music.  It's advertised on Craigslist, and like a sucker, I watched it last night.

Let me tell you: anything even remotely nostalgic set to music should not be watched by pregnant women.  Ever.

I couldn't turn the tears off.  It was almost enough for me to cancel the deal altogether.

I just kept thinking about how much this house has meant to us.  How it was truly the beginning of our lives together.  How we spent hours and hours planning and executing projects.  How it made us stronger, gave us faith to trust in one another and appreciate the unique abilities each brings to the table.  The Halloweens.  The Christmases.  The parties.

Casey proposed to me while I was folding laundry in our bedroom.  This is the house we came home to after getting married.  I got those first, second, third and fourth all important two pink lines, mostly while waiting anxiously on the edge of the bathtub.  I laid in bed and cried after first and third amounted to nothing.  Sitting in the quiet, rocking my pregnant belly in a brand-new, carefully and lovingly designed little girl's room.  Leah everything - her first steps, her first words.  The first time she stood up in her crib or climbed the stairs in our basement.  Those memories are forever embedded in the very fabric of this house, linked in my heart and mind.

It has been such a good home to us.  There is a huge part of me that is devastated to have to leave.  Which, of course, is crazy, because the truth is we can't stay here forever. 

I think in large part all this boo-hooing is fueled by pregnancy hormones.  That, and how much and how quickly things in our lives are changing.  For the better, no doubt. 

But the truth is I'm not great with change.  Even when that change comes in the form of showers of blessings.

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