On labor, forgiveness and a third time around

Watching my best friend have a baby was one of the super-coolest of the super cool moments. 

I heart this photo.  For reals.

For several reasons: 1) because watching a person come into this world is, like, overthetop amazing.  2) It was nice to see that labor and delivery can go the way it's "supposed" to - in other words, if she'd been doing this 100 years ago, both Jess and Lauren would have been totally fine (whereas I'm pretty sure I'd have lost both of mine and/or been dead...).  3) It gave me a new sense of accomplishment over my own labor.

Because, here is what a new mom looks like after 4.5 hours of labor:

 

Peaceful, relaxed, kinda glowy.

 

 

Here is what I looked like after 24 hours of labor:

 



 

Like I'd been through a war.  Like the postergirl for abstinence: Hey kids, keep your knees closed, or you'll wind up looking like THIS! (dramatic music plays.)

 

I've had a fair amount of guilt over the way my labor played out.  I wanted so badly to do the natural childbirth thing, and instead I put myself and my sweet little guy through hell.  His poor, poor head.  My poor everything. 

 

As I've re-played it, I keep thinking how I "should" have done things better.  I should have held on longer once the pitocin started.  I should have kept pushing so we didn't have to use the vacuum.  I should have been stronger; tougher.  The should haves have plagued me more than a little since August.

 

After watching Jess, I've finally given myself permission to let all that go.  My misconception is in thinking that people who are able to have truly "natural" childbirths are some sort of superhero and I am not. 

 

Here's the truth: Jess had 4.5 hours of labor.  Her entire labor from start to finish was less than the time I labored on my own on pitocin.  Not that she is any less awesome for having done it by herself - it's amazing - but I've been comparing apples and oranges.

 

The truth is that after about 45 minutes of intense, transition-level contractions, she had a moment where she didn't think she could do it anymore.  The contractions were heavy and coming on top of each other, and she was overwhelmed and worn out from having one big contraction.

 

This was my experience on pitocin.  Once that medicine hit my system, I never had a moment of peace again.  My contractions definitely peaked and lessened, but they never, ever went away.  And they were tough.  I always suspected that laboring on pitocin was a lot like laboring in transition, and after watching Jess, I'm convinced that's accurate - at least for me.  After 45 minutes of this she nearly called it quits.  I did more than five hours on my own, after already doing 12 hours on my own and with no end in sight.  And the knowledge hanging over me that I'd likely need an epidural anyway. 

 

She pushed five times and a baby appeared.  I pushed with absolutely everything I had for over an hour and still couldn't get him out.  Evidently, I had to push him from like my trachea.  At the end of her experience, Jess was totally wiped.  Exhausted.  I'd been awake close 40 hours in a row and had no food or water for at least 16 of those.  Exhausted?  I needed a whole new word to describe where I was at.

 

It sounds like there is a jugement or comparison here, and there isn't.  She did an amazing job.  Period.  But all this time, I've felt like I somehow didn't do an amazing job, like I caved early or didn't try hard enough.  If I could have done just a little bit more...

 

Now that I've seen what it takes under absolutely ideal conditions, I no longer feel that way.  I kicked ass - for hours and hours - even while I was getting my own kicked.

People who do this big job without meds are awesome.  And super lucky that their bodies are able to work flawlessly and easily to make that possible. 

We learned a lot.  And the crazy thing is that after all that, I still hope to go back and do it again.  We'll have to seriously weigh the options and consider whether to go the c-section route, because I can't willingly put another baby through that horrible experience.  The difference between my sweet baby Leah, who was alert, head up, nursing well right off the bat and my poor tiny, cone-headed, dazed Logan was truly alarming. 

But oh how worth it those precious little people are. 

The fourth Fourth.

Even though I absolutely adore the holiday, the Fourth of July always seems to sneak up on us.  I am never, ever prepared for it the way I am for most other holidays.

So when I tell you that we've had some doozies since our daughter has been alive, you can believe me.  (Not convinced?  See here and especially here, where I didn't even talk about what we did for the fourth because it was sad and kinda nasty.)

Up until last summer, we lived in a house that overlooked the Denver skyline, so we didn't have to travel very far to see some pretty impressive fireworks. 

I'm not one for attending fireworks shows for several reasons: 1) crowds, 2) bed times, 3) I have kids who are likely to be afraid of them, 4) good Lord the traffic is awful after fireworks (see: bed times again). 

When Leah was little, it just didn't seem worth it to alter her schedule.  I'm convinced she would have hated the entire thing, as she was a tiny little introvert right from the start and one of the few things that made her blow her top was loud noises while out of her comfort zone.  It just seemed like a recipe for disaster. 

This year, though, we resolved to venture out and see the fireworks.

And then we wavered.  And then resolved again.  And then wavered.  And at the last second, we packed up the kids, car and picnic blanket and basket and set out.  And seriously discussed turning around and throwing in the towel while en route.  There was still time.

I'm so glad we pushed through.  We happened upon an absolutely wonderful little spot - which was not the show we were actually intending to go to - that turned out to be a huge blessing.  All of those things I was worried about turned out not to be an issue; most importantly, no crowds and no miserable traffic.

It was awesome.  Awe-some.

I truly could not have asked for a more perfect Fourth of July. 

The kids were as happy as could be eating foods we don't get very often and playing on the picnic blanket.  Leah ran around and made friends with some really sweet teenagers who thought she was adorable (because, let's face it, she is). 

And the fireworks.  Oh the fireworks.  I love fireworks, and I'd forgotten how much fun it is to go to an actual show, which we haven't done in probably six years or more. 

Lee was still a bit timid, but she snuggled up with Daddy and it wasn't so bad.  She especially loved the ones that made pictures in the sky, and after a while began looking for the firework that best represented our family. 

Logan, though, amazed me.  I couldn't decide if it was going to be fine or if he was going to scream the whole time.  As it turned out, he loves fireworks.  He sat almost perfectly still through the first half of the show, and the only noises he made were ooooohs as his little hand reached out to try and touch them.  Sitting, the four of us, with Leah snuggling against her daddy and the weight of my sweet, contented little boy in my lap, was one of the most perfect and precious moments we've had in a very long time. 

And then, because my well-scheduled son just couldn't hang on any longer, he fell asleep.  Right there, with fireworks booming all around.

 

My heart felt like bursting right along with the other fireworks.

 

 

I love that sweet little guy. 

 

It was one of those very tender mercy kinds of nights that remind me how lucky we are. The only downfall of the night was that Mommy forgot the candles for America's birthday cake.  Leah had been adamant about that darn cake for two days - yes, that was the worst that happened. 

Happy birthday, America.  Best Fourth so far. 

Weekend Update. With enough stuff to live for a month.

So, you guys: traveling with two kids?  It requires enough stuff to sustain us for a month.  Which has prompted me to adopt a new motto.  Ready?

If you can stay two days, you might was well stay a month.

Okay, so we'll call it a work in progress.  I don't see any countries or businesses adopting this slogan any time soon.  Maybe some small country in Europe that nobody really likes.  Siberia or something similar. 

With our Daddy on hiatus (aka working, but I like to think of it as a vacation because it sure seems easier than what's happening here at home) for a week and a half, we packed up a long list of things and traveled down to my mom's for the weekend. 

Just for the record, here's a glimpse of the things we brought along for our Friday-Sunday staycation:

Pack and Play (for sleeping)
Sassy seat (for eating)
Bob double stroller
Logan's fave blanket
Five pairs biggirl underwear
15ish disposable diapers
6 pairs shorts
3 shirts
4 onesies
3 pairs socks
2 pairs shoes
3 teddies + teddy lovie
4 pairs jammies
2 swimsuits
4 bibs
2 bowls
1 set fork/spoon + 2 baby spoons
Strawberries
Blueberries
Spinach
1 pack nitrate/nitrite free turkey
window fan
Dog food
2 dog bowls
2 dogs
2 kids
1 exhausted mom

See?  I didn't even mention the stuff I took for myself, and this was definitely packing "light."  I didn't take any babyfood, and for only the second time in my parenting career, one of my children ate baby food from a pouch.  And, sidenote: seriously?  How do you people afford this stuff????  I had to sell plasma just to pay for this food for a weekend and he eats solids. 

We've spent time in Littleton every summer since Leah has been alive (see 2010, 2011 and of course the entire summer 2012).  Guess what little thing didn't make the packing list this year?  Yeah, that would be the camera.  Oh well.  But we had an undocumentedly great time anyway. 

Leah loves to garden and play with the hose.  Logan loves to talk, and began crawling on his knees for short periods of time.  And talked.  Have I mentioned that kid can talk?

I love to walk through downtown Littleton.  Leah got her first pair of ballet slippers at the same shop where this picture was taken, which of course made me get all nostalgic. 

Why?  Because I am sappy.  And she is so grown up.  And my second will be at this phase super soon, although I probably won't force the tutu on him.  Probably. 

It's always good to be home, but it was nice to enjoy a bit of time with another adult in a different environment. 

And, after 11 days on our own, we're really, really looking forward to Daddy coming home!

How to survive being a sometimes single parent (without losing your mind)

Oh how you legitimately single parents are going to laugh at this post.  Laugh, throw tomatoes and give your forehead a little palm.  And to you, I bow down.  You are the masters.  You're gonna wanna look away from my drivel immediately.

For everyone else, though, it's tough to do the single parenting gig.  With Casey out of town a lot (we're currently surviving enjoying day seven of eleven), trying to singlehandedly fill all roles necessary in the raising of small children 24/7 while also maintaining your sanity is no small task. 

So here are my top ten tips for not losing your cool, Homer Simpson style:

1. Simplify.  PBJ instead of spaghetti for dinner?  Do it!  Run the dishwasher - even if it's only half full - instead of handwashing to save half an hour?  Absolutely!  Take serious stock of the things that are really necessary in the course of a day - and the things that aren't - and focus on those. 
2. Plan ahead.  Make sure that you give yourself the option of doing only the important things while solo parenting by taking care of the tasks which aren't "child friendly" while you have a partner in crime (aka a husband).  The DMV and two small children are not compatible.  Don't plan that errand while you're alone.  Or you'll go crazy.  True story.
3.  Nap.  Ernest Hemmingway once said, "I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake."  While we all know how that one turned out for him (and if you don't, hint: it wasn't good), the truth is that without sleep, the cranky pants go on for everyone.  Solo parenting means the ever-present potential for poor rest through the night, and lots of pressure on every moment throughout the day.  Naps all around are good for everybody's mood and attitude.
4. Fun-something every day.  "Fun" here means anything from a trip to Target, the pool, a picnic or an actual play date.  Anything that gets you out of your normal environment and helps keep them doing something besides testing your patience.  
5. Sing.  Or dance.  Or do whatever you do to be silly, most especially when tensions are high and you (or the littles) don't feel like it.  Yesterday I made up a song about a tornado and sang it with a silly southern accent. At the top of my lungs.  I was, like, really tired.  But it made everybody laugh, and Leah asked me to sing it again and again.  More importantly, it saved us in a moment that could have easily gone south. 
6. Say YES as often as possible.  When you are the only one around to field the endless barage of can I haves and will you dos and whys, it gets really easy to get into the habit of just saying NO.  Can I have some icecream?  No honey, it will spoil your dinner.  Can we go to the pool?  No honey, we have to go to the store.  I hereby give you permission to STOP this behavior.  There are so many things in life that you have to say no to because they're either not safe or not practical at any given moment.  When you solo parent, get in the habit of saying yes to requests that aren't unreasonable.  Who cares if they eat icecream before dinner once or twice?  Does it really matter if she goes to the store wearing a princess dress?  If you can't say yes, offer two alternatives that both work for you, and let the kids choose between them.  Everybody (even a three year old) likes to feel that their input is valued and heard. 
7. Don't be a nag.  Seriously.  Because nobody likes a nag, and neither you nor your children benefit from your nagging.  Kids take for-ev-er to do anything.  #1 just accept the fact that it will take you 15 times as long as you expected to complete even the most simple task.  #2 only hang around with people who understand and empathize when you planned to meet at 10:00, which quickly became 11:15 and you actually showed up at 11:35 (that may or may not have happened to me yesterday). #3 empower your littles to do better.  Instead of huffing all exasperated-like, "I asked you to put your shoes on ten minutes ago, and you only have one on!" say, "I like that you put one shoe on, what do you think the next step is?  Let's do that!"  Always lead with the positive.  If there isn't any positive and you're ready to blow your top, invent some to lead with.  Grind your teeth and force a smile and say  "I like how creatively you're playing with your toys, but do you remember the job Mommy asked you to do?" I promise this is waaaaay more effective than nagging. 
8. Mobilize the troops.  Yes, you are the only adult in the house.  No, the success or failure of your daily life/adventures does not rest solely on you.  Kids LOVE to help.  It's good for them to help.  They learn independence and perseverence and how to overcome challenges.  They get a taste of success, and they like it.  Give them a job they can do independently - even if it might not be totally easy for them - and then celebrate the crap out of it when they complete it.  Don't have enough hands?  Ask your little one for help carrying stuff to the car.  Let them find their cereal (their usual cereal, not the one with marshmallows) in the grocery store and put it in the cart.  Let them clean up the living room and sort the toys.  Let them fold their own clothes, even if it isn't perfect.  Doing is better than doing it for them.
9. Know your limits.  And stick to them.  Be aware of what makes you go nuclear, and have a plan in place to deal with it.  It's okay to give yourself a time out.  It's okay to turn on the TV for half an hour because you're at the end of your rope or put a crying baby in his crib for 15.  It's okay to be strict about something because you know you'll lose your crap if your kids do that thing all the time.  It's okay to go to the store even though you need nothing, simply because you know you can't sit in the house and be nice one second longer.  It's better to let her cry in her room for a while than yell at her.  Know your limits, because those limits will absolutely be tested.  It is better to walk away and take a break than say something in anger that you can't take back. 
10. Love on everyone (including yourself).  The best way to make the transition from "just getting through" until Daddy gets home to happily living your life while he's away is to accept that it's going to be tough, and love everybody through it.  Give those extra hugs.  Read the extra story at bedtime (don't look at me like I just asked you to climb Mount Everest.  I know you're tired.  Do it anyway).  Find at least ten nice things to say about each of your children every day.  Sometimes every hour.  And for the love of all that is holy, build in opportunities for you to rest when you need them.  Put the kids to bed early.  Let them watch an extra hour of TV.  YOU NEED REST TOO!  Not just because you're tired and you feel like it, but because you're a better parent - more patient, more capable, more understanding and empathetic when you're not exhausted or at the end of your rope.  Parenting on your own is a big job, so don't feel bad about needing a break here or there. 

 

Try to remind yourself that this time goes sooooo fast.  It's so hard sometimes, but good Lord if it isn't worth it. 

Ten.

My sweet little boy at 10 months:

 

 

The kid loves to stand.  He's all about climing up on anything and everything he can reach.  His favorite is probably this gate, as he can do it easily, but he also began standing in his crib this month, as well as pulling himself up on cabinets, tables and the couch. 

 

 

 

 

He's getting pretty good at multi-tasking, and can bend and reach as he stands fairly effectively.

 

 

And the baby gate no longer contains him, because he's pretty sneaky and can get just about anywhere in our house.  Especially if you leave him alone for more than 30 seconds.

 

He climbed up through the gap in the railing, in case you were wondering.  Yep, that happened.

 

He loves to army crawl, but he's really working on lifting himself up off the ground into the more "traditional" crawl.

 

 

He loves to play with toys.  This is probably what he spends the majority of his time on.

 

 

 

And, of course, he loves to put things in his mouth.

 

 

He is having a tough time sleeping again.  Not through the night, thankfully, but he struggles to fall asleep during the day and wakes often because he's more interested in standing and playing.

 

 

When he sleeps, he loves to cuddle up with this quilt.  He'll settle for any blanket in a pinch, but his favorite is the blue and pink one that once belonged to Leah.  Okay, it's mostly pink with some blue.

 

He weighs 20.8 pounds, which means that his growth is slowing down from it's crazy rocket speed.  He wears12 month clothing, but I think he'll be in 18 mo by the time his birthday rolls around. 

 

He loves music and looooves to dance. 

 

He's practicing walking with support.

 

He is such a little mimicker.  I've heard him say the following words:

Mama

Dada

LeeLee (YeeYee)

Book

That

Good

Logan (Yogan)

Hat

Fish

Sis

He copies the dogs when they bark, and I swear the other day he was looking intently at the dog and said DOG and started barking. 

 

He recognizes tons of words, and if you ask him about most items in our home, he'll turn his body and look for them. 

 

He's an incredibly happy baby, until he's not.  He still screams often, and he likes to make himself miserable.  For example, he hates the sun, but he won't let me put a hat or sunglasses on him.  He'd much rather tell me about how much he hates being in the sun.  He gives me lots of panic attacks, because he screams as if he's on fire over the tiniest things.  I'm still programmed for his sister, because if Leah had ever screamed like that she really would have been on fire.  He does it as a matter of routine, and I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

 

 

 

This kid of mine.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  We love you to pieces, sweet baby.

 

Oh, how fast that first year goes.

I'm starting a food revolution. Wanna come along?

So here's the story from our pediatrician about her own son that has me re-thinking the way I've been doing things:

"When he was about 8, my son was diagnosed with extreme, off-spectrum ADHD and early precursor symptoms of bipolar disorder.  I have a friend who is an MD and a nutritionalist, and so we took him there in the hopes that we might be able to help him make some small changes that would help his behavior.  The nutritionalist told us that, often times, the preservatives and additives in our food can severely alter behavior as a child grows.  He put us on a strict no additive, no preservative diet, and the results have been amazing.  Now 12, my son shows absolutely none of the symptoms he demonstrated four years ago."

And I was all, whaaaaa?!  All that from changing his diet???  And then I was like, somebody should talk to all those parents with out of control 8th graders...

This story has me in something of a tailspin, and we're totally trying on a new way of living here in our house. 

You guys?  I'm not even buying my bread, I'm making it.  We're talking top to bottom, complete transformation. 

I've always felt like I do a reasonably good job of making wise choices for our family in terms of diet.  I'm not an extremist.  I go organic on the foods I know are pretty dirty, and I try to make informed choices for both budgetary and health reasons. 

But I've never been one to cut out everything.  Until now.

Those Goldfish I was buying?  Guess what little gem of information I discovered: After baking, they're sprayed with artificial color and preservatives that the FDA doesn't require them to include on their ingredients list, since "technically" they're not an ingredient.  Even though your child will be consuming them.  Tricky, right?

The Cheerios I was giving Logan?  Yeah, they have unlisted BHT in the packaging that totally rubs off on the O's.  Spectacular. 

So here's a list from my doc of foods that contain preservatives/coloring/salicylates etc that can have negative effects on kids as they grow, and what to do about them:

Instead of:                                 Try:
Store bread                                Rudi's or Ezekiel brands
Ritz crackers                             Late July, Sunshine HiHo, Back to Nature
Goldfish                                    Annie's Cheddar Bunnies
Kraft Mac&Cheese                  Annie's Shells and Cheese (or better still - make your own!)
Gogurt, Yoplait                       Dannon all-natural, Stonyfield Farms, Horizon portable yogurt
Rold Gold Pretzels                  Snyder's Pretzels
Cheerios                                  Cascadian Farms O's
Froot Loops                            365 brand, Cascadian Farms
Pepsi                                       Original CocaCola, Hansen's Natural

Also, most whole milk, organic milk, and cheeses made from whole milk are free of additives.  (In other words, if you're buying whole milk, no need to buy organic.  Hooray!) Many low-fat milks and cheeses use preservatives in their vitamin A, so instead try low-fat milk from the following brands: Horizon, 365 brand, Royal Crest, Market Pantry from Target (love).  Check your yellow cheeses for artificial colors ("annato" is usually fine).  Avoid pre-shredded cheeses as they have many preservatives; buy in blocks and shred them yourself.

Let's talk meat.  I asked specifically about lunch meat, because I've been giving Logan some and he loooves it.  I got the green light, as long as I'm buying meat without nitrates/nitrites.  Same goes for bacon and pepperoni.  The answer was simple, as Hormel makes a line of "Natural Choice" bacon/lunchmeat/pepperoni, even though they don't make the turkey pepperoni that I was loving.  It's all a bit more expensive, but worth it in my opinion.  For other meats, buy fresh or frozen meats with a minimum of added ingredients, and avoid any that list "broth added." 

In general, most foods labeled "organic" or "all natural" are free of additives, so this is a good jumping off point.  Another resource: www.feingold.org.  I think you have to actually purchase a membership to the site, though, to access the information. 

Whew.  Thanks for indulging my information overload.  I know that so many of you are already super educated about all these things; I'm just dipping my toe in the pool.  But we're making changes, and quick.  I have no desire to leave my children with the same legacy of potential health/behavior issues that my own generation is facing. 

Lauren Grace.

Jess,

Last night I was with you as you brought your second child and first daughter into the world.

Truly, one of the best nights of my life. 

I know you were pretty busy, what with getting her here and all, so you may not have noticed the finer points of what was happening.  But I did.  And can I just tell you: Wow.  You're really good at making and birthing babies.

Seriously.  Were you a Scientologist, they would be super proud, because you totally mastered that being in control of your body and your emotions thing.  At seven centemeters dialated and no medication, you sat and chatted with Andrew and me about Friends and YouTube videos as if we were all just hanging out, until another contraction took your breath away. 

Your toughest moments of labor were indicated by a little heavy breathing and a tiny tensing.  But it was clear just how much pain you were in. 

At one point near the end, you calmly informed us that you didn't think you could do it, and the sarcastic part of me thought it's a little to late for that, Jess, because you're just about done while the rest of me was in sheer awe of how completely you were showing labor who's boss.  Can't do it?  YOU SO COULD DO IT!  But I tried to keep silent.  I'm not very good at it, so I probably didn't keep silent. Your husband deserves a medal for how beautifully and simply he reassured you, and gave you just the right motivation to keep you moving through those tough contractions that didn't give you any peace.

If I could have taken it from you at any point during the night, it would have been right then.  Just to give you a break from that tough job you were so bravely doing.

As you began to push, your hospital gown began to bug you.  In a moment of sheer, instinctive brilliance, you said, "this is really in my way" and whipped it off as you focused all your determination on the intense job you had ahead of you au natural.  If I'd been able to make any sound through my holy crap she's totally going to do this haze, I would have shouted, GO JESSICA!  Do what you've gotta do!

Three pushes and a full head of hair appeared.  Two pushes later, she was here.

You probably didn't get to see Andrew's face.  He's so in love with that tiny, six and a half pound little girl, and he's even more in love with you. 

The joy of a man becoming a new dad, even for the second time, is powerful, palpable, and one of life's most heart-stopping moments.  I hope that seeing his face in these pictures makes it worth having me there. 

My beautiful friend, I am so blown away by your poise and grace as you took on this, life's biggest and most incredible task.  Our friendship may have begun because of our boys, but it was designed by God.  Thank you for letting me be a part of this special day.

Thank you for making such awesome people.

Thank you.

xoxo.

Melissa