Workin' Mom

What on earth would cause a person to:

- Cry in the shower

- Behave like a schizophrenic lunatic whose world is ending

- Procrastinate everything possible

- Feel horribly depressed

- Make your husband drive you to and from work when you have two working cars

Answer: Going back to work after maternity leave.

I absolutely dreaded this day, although I knew it would come.

It's not that I dislike my job. In fact, I feel extremely grateful to be where I am. I love the school that I work for, I love the kids, and I adore my co-workers. But the idea of driving away and leaving my baby behind me was unbearable.

I did okay on Sunday before I had to go back to work. I simply didn't think about what had to happen the next day. Besides, I still had time.

I sobbed in the shower that night, after which I convinced Casey (because he is a saint) to drive me to work and pick me up so that I wouldn't have to do the thing I had been dreading, and actually drive off and leave her.

But I still had all night.

I was up much before the alarm went off at 5 a.m. I watched the minutes count down until the alarm went off and convinced myself not to lose it. Besides, I still had an hour and a half before I had to leave.

I nursed Leah at 6 before we had to get in the car and couldn't quite hold back my tears. But, at least I still had the car ride...

...which went much too fast. I still had 20 minutes...10 minutes...3 minutes...

I was saved from the awful moment in which I had to say goodbye by the appearance of a co-worker, who saw me getting out of the car and wanted to see the baby. Instead of feeling heartbroken in that moment - the one that had FINALLY come, even though I tried to fight it - I left feeling elated that I had gotten to show off my beautiful baby.

I was comforted by seeing the kids again, getting their hugs and hearing about how much they had missed me. It was fun to see the other teachers again and realize that, even though my world at home was perfect, there were things I missed about my job. I put together a quick slideshow of pictures to show the kids, so in some ways I didn't feel like I was all that far away.

And, the neat thing about my job is that I am too busy to fully appreciate how much I miss her.

Nonetheless, I will be very grateful on May 21st, when I get to go back to doing what my heart really yearns to be doing: being Leah's mommy.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

One of the things that most amazes me about having a baby is how incredibly quickly and how much she changes.

I have heard a lot about the milestones that happen when a baby is 6 weeks old, and it was truly amazing to witness. Until last week, Leah had pretty much been like any typical newborn.

Sure, there were a few things that seemed abnormal - her attentiveness; the fact that she seemed to pick me out and follow me from accross the room, when she can supposedly only see 8-14 inches; her crazy ability to roll over at 9 days old - but generally, she didn't do much besides eat, sleep, grow and melt her parents' hearts with cuteness.

All of a sudden, my newborn is turning into a baby. Her proportions are different, drifting from the goofy, soft looks of a newborn into more defined features. She no longer fits into her newborn clothes, and we have begun to use her 0-3 month outfits. One day, she was eating every 2 hours; the next - and without any warning - she was going 3 hours or longer between feedings. She is rolling over fairly regularly, and has begun to smile a LOT more often (much to her mother's delight!).

It is amazing!

It is perfect timing, too, because my maternity leave has officially come to an end. I almost can't talk about it - I'm too heartbroken, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to cry all the way to work on Monday - but I am so glad that Casey will be staying home with her.

It will be a wonderful opportunity for him to enjoy some of the fun I've been enjoying for the past nearly 8 weeks.

He should have a little bit of an easier time of it, since she has discovered this new-found independence and contentedness away from Mom. You'd think that would make me sad, but it actually delights me! It gives me a chance to get a little more done in a day, and gives me that many more reasons and opportunities to enjoy my baby girl.

A matter of perspective

*Just because I can't remember the answers to Jeopardy questions I should know...

*Just because I can't focus on more than one thing at any given time, when I used to be the queen of multitasking...

*Just because I can't carry on a conversation about things that aren't baby-related...

*Just because I've put clothes and detergent in the washing machine without actually starting it (at least three times recently, no less)...

*Just because I reheated my coffee, and then proceeded to leave it in the microwave all day...

*Just because I was looking for the diaper bag the other day, only to discover that I was already holding it...

*Just because words and names seem to be randomly missing from my vocabulary...

*Just because I can no longer remember if I actually did something, or just thought about doing it...

...Just because I do all of these things doesn't mean I'm forgetful since having a baby!

I'm functionally challenged!

When you're smiling

Why life is good:

And just because it made me laugh out loud when I saw it...

Obladi, Oblada

Eleven years ago today...

at about 11:20 a.m., I was crouched behind the tire of a white truck as two of my classmates began what is now an infamous rampage through my high school. I watched in stunned disbelief as students around me crumpled when bullets hit them, as pipebombs exploded literally so close to me I could reach out and touch them.

It was a day that altered the course of who I was and who I would become.

I recount this, not because I need either sympathy or praise for having survived it.

I recount this story because today, eleven years later at approximately 11:20 a.m., I was doing this:

I was posing for a photo with four generations of my family's women.

The significance and juxtaposition of the two scenarios was far from lost on me.

April 20th is always a day of reflection and remembrance for me; a day of very mixed emotions.

In addition to the loss of life - the people themselves, that is - part of what I have always mourned is the fact that my friends will never get to experience the wonderful things that I looked forward to in life. They will never graduate; never walk down the aisle into the arms of someone they love; never have the chance to experience that breathtaking moment when you look into the face of a newborn child; never grow old.

Today, though, I looked at from a brand new perspective; one that I could never fully appreciate before: the loss of life from a parent's perspective. It was a bit overwhelming.

When we were in the hospital after Leah was born, I did a lot of walking to help me heal from the C-section. I vividly remember walking past the doors to the NICU and feeling an immense sense of gratitude that we were on this side (the healthy side) of them. It was a sense of gratitude that could have easily dropped me to my knees and brought me to tears if I had let it.

As it was, I simply could not even go to that place... imagining what it must be like for parents whose children are suffering or in danger.

And I know that never goes away.

I look into the face of my sweet baby, knowing that there will be heartache and dangers in her life that I cannot protect her from, and it already breaks my heart. As much as I have come to terms with what I went through, I hope and pray that she will never have to face anything like it. In some ways, that is as much for my sake as hers.

I also wish that I had given my own mother more credit at the time. I felt like the tragedy wasn't hers in many ways - after all, she hadn't experienced it as I had - and I wasn't able to appreciate how much a mother aches when her children ache. I wish I could take some of that back now that I know better.

On the other side of the spectrum, though, I added an emotion that I have never yet felt on this day: JOY!!!

JOY because my day started with a series of smiles from my daughter - not her very first smiles, but the first time she has really responded that way to something I was doing. It was incredible, and perfectly timed!

JOY because life does go on, and renews itself in the most amazing ways.

JOY because I got to bring Leah to the Columbine memorial, and that act held enormous significance for me.

JOY because I know there is a purpose to what we all went through. Leah is proof enough of that!

JOY because I see divinity in the entire experience. I did then, and still do today, see God's hand at work in the direction of my life.

JOY because there is just so much to be joyful about.

Train of thoughts...

We are officially an "out and about" family!

On Thursday, Casey and I took Leah to dinner for the first time. We were supposed to wait until she is 6 weeks old so that her immune system can kick in, but we didn't quite make it that long. 5 weeks and 1 day is pretty close, after all.

The last time we were out to dinner... the night before the C-Section!

We went to (the very fancy!) Red Robin, mostly because we weren't sure how Leah would do, so we wanted a restaurant that is family friendly. I shouldn't have been worried; she did beautifully!

Leah and I also attended the baby shower of one of my oldest friends. It is neat - and only slightly surreal - to watch my friends and classmates (in this case, someone I have known since I was 5!) getting married and having children! And it is so cool to be on this end of it; bringing my own daughter to the baby shower of another. WOW!

Not to mention: bizzare to think that I was in her position only a handful of weeks ago! In fact, just over a month ago, we were here...

... and we didn't even know the beautiful little girl who has changed our lives so completely!

Now, we are experiencing sweet moments like these:

Although I think I have expressed it many times in many different ways, I don't know that I have ever said (or, in this case, typed it) outloud. It hit me again today on the way home from the baby shower:

I am, without doubt, the happiest I have ever been. My life is SO blessed, because I literally have everything I have ever dreamed of - and probably a good many things I was too young and naiive to be concerned with dreaming about.

I thank God every day for my incredible husband, who makes all my dreams come true, and our beautiful, healthy daughter. I know for certain that I have neither earned nor deserve either of these amazing gifts!

All the things I "do-do"

Since Leah's arrival, I find myself closing each day feeling like something of a loser. I am exhausted at the end of the day, and yet, as I reflect on what I did that day, I can't seem to think of one thing that I actually accomplished. So, in honor of my loser-ness, I decided to take stock of the things that I "do-do" (with kind regards to Chandler Bing for the reference):

My "do-do" list for Tuesday, April 13th:

Hours of sleep: 4 (ish?)
*Fed the baby
*Changed a diaper
*Got Leah dressed, including washing her face
*Got myself dressed (not showered)
*Made breakfast for myself (hardboiled egg and a half a grapefruit)
*Entertained the baby by watching Sesame Street while making faces and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star along with the muppets
*Let the dogs out
*Changed a diaper
*Fed the baby
*Put Leah down for a nap
*Folded and put away a basket of laundry
*Folded a basket of laundry (without putting it away)
*Wrote a lesson plan, because eventually I do have to go back to work :(
*Checked my e-mail
*Changed a diaper
*Changed a diaper again when Leah immediately pooped in the clean one
*Fed the baby
*Went to Babies-R-Us (a successful trip out of the house on our own! WOOHOO!!!!)
*Brought Leah inside
*Brought the shopping spoils inside (a Boppy and cover for a baby shower on Saturday; nursing pads for me)
*Let the dogs in
*Fixed lunch for me (and kept my fingers crossed Leah would stay happy long enough for me to eat... today, she did!)
*Played with the baby (Mommy keeps trying desperately for a real smile... she's just toying with me at this point.)
*Took some video of her when she was particularly cute
*Let the dogs out and in again
*Changed a diaper
*Fed the baby
*Napped on the couch with Leah (BLISS!)
*Kissed my husband when he got home from work
*Watched the last 20 minutes of "Sherlock Holmes," which we started two days ago
*Fed the baby
*Fixed dinner (Fetuccini alfredo - from scratch! - garlic bread and carrots)
*Traded off tending to Leah and eating dinner
*Fed the baby
*Got Leah ready for bed, but decided she wasn't quite ready to go down
*Played with my husband and the baby
*Put Leah to bed (consists of laying her on my stomach so I can cuddle her and rub her back while Casey reads "Harry Potter")
*Washed the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen
*Made Casey's lunch
*Started a load of laundry (with no intention of folding it or puting it away)
*Watched "Lost" with my husband
*Wrote this blog instead of showering... hmmm...
*About to go up and feed/change the baby (in some order or another)

Turns out, there are a few things that I "do-do."

Not to be confused with doo doo. (Although there is plenty of that in my life right now, too!)