Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Things I have in common with

**So I'm posting this now, even though it's totally ironic because I was writing this literally seconds before my water broke.  I finished writing this post, bent down to pick up the camera to take a last picture and discovered I'd sprung a very important leak... :) As it turns out, tons of it will go down in the books as totally inaccurate after my birth experience, but more to come on that later!

Today, the woman at the zoo informed me that elephants have a gestation of two years. 

I also happen to know, through random bits of trivia, that a giraffe holds onto its little ones for over a year before dropping them. 

So I'm feeling quite fond of these animals.  A kinship, if you will, bonded in knowing that at least there are a few animals out there who bake 'em longer than I do. 

Katy Perry asked me today if I felt paper thin, like a deck of cards one blow from caving in.

Thanks for asking, Katy, but I must admit to feeling quite the opposite.  Round, robust, lumbering and just plain heavy are a few of the adjectives that come to mind.

I'm half way through my 39th week of pregnancy, and it strikes me as odd every time I realize that the comically large pregnant lady I sometimes catch sight of in shiny, reflective things is actually me. 

I'm still coming to terms with the idea of a "due" date - particularly as I remember my first OB who laughed cavallierly when I told him that the August 28th due date he "calculated" (aka pulled out of his... nevermind) was "close enough" even though I insisted it didn't track with the date of conception.

Haha, pregnant women.  Evidently "close enough" will have to do when it comes to this small thing called birthing a human.  Because, at the end, it's not like there's anything to be anxious/eager/excited about...

But, whatever else happens, his eviction date is set.  We scheduled a c-section for the 5th of September, so I know for sure I'll be meeting my little buddy by then. 

It's certainly not the way I'd like to do it, but an induction is out of the question.  Evidently past c-section patients don't get along with pitocin.  My OB suggested we could try manually dialating me (it involves a balloon.  Shudder.), but I couldn't quite stomach that thought.  So it's back to wait, hope and have faith.  The three things I'm best at in this world. 

Wait.  Hope.  Have faith.  And try a bunch of random stuff suggested by birthing books, the internet and everyone who's ever had an opinion.  Such as...
  • Chew fresh basil (gross.  And also?  Still pregnant.)
  • Cold plain yogurt (what exactly was this supposed to do?)
  • Pedicures (two so far.  Still pregnant.)
  • Chiropractor (thought I was suffocating the baby, but back felt better.  Still pregnant.)
  • Eggplant! (Parmesean?  Awesome.  And still pregnant.)
  • Sex. (Hah.)
  • Spicy food (Delicious!  But still pregnant.)
  • Balance ball (Bounce, bounce, bounce.  Still pregnant.)
  • Acupressure (nightly by my wonderful husband.  Not so much as dilated.)
  • Castor oil (No.  Just no.)
  • A wide variety of positions (see: slightly more limber.  See also: Pregnant.)
  • Acupuncture (may try this one.  Still a little timid.)
It's very reminiscent of two and a half years ago when I went through all kinds of crazy hijinks trying to get my breech baby flipped.  It didn't work then, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that it probably won't work now.  These kids, they come how and when they're good and ready. 

That planner in me has so much pent up anxiety it's getting a little ridiculous.  Want to make plans next week?  Sure!  You know, assuming I'm not in labor.  What's for dinner?  Stuffed zucchini, unless of course I'm pushing out a person.  What are you doing tomorrow?  Who knows!  But I could be birthing a human. 

On the bright side, I'm guaranteed to beat those elephants.  And more than likely the giraffes, too. 

Besides, there's never been one yet to stay in.  So there's that.

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