Discouraged

I know we have so much to celebrate, and I should not be feeling somewhat sad and discouraged at a time like this.

But today, I am.

We had our week 37 appointment, and - for the second week in a row - Baby Girl is breeched.

Yes, breeched. As in, her butt is down and her head is up, which means that she can't be delivered in any way besides C-section.

Sigh.

We have known this since last week. Sometime between the week 34 appointment and the week 36 appointment, Baby changed position so that her head was out of the pelvis (the good, thumbs up position).

I truly thought we had corrected this. On the way home from the doctor's office last week, I had one of the most amazing experiences. I sat quietly in the car, rubbed my belly and talked to the baby. I told her that she really needed to work with mommy, because she was sitting in the wrong position. I asked her to move her head over...

And she did!

I kept this up for about a half an hour, and before I knew it, Baby Girl was actually sitting sideways (head on the left, butt on the right) inside my belly. It was absolutely incredible! It was even visible from the outside - Casey was able to see how stretched out I was, so I know I'm not just making it up. I had tears absolutely streaming down my face. I was in complete awe that she would be so responsive to me.

Sadly, though, at that point I lost track of her movements. I tried to encourage her to keep going and actually flip. I honestly thought we had accomplished it... Casey and I were even feeling her hiccup down low, and could hear her heart beat down low, even though we went back and forth all week playing the "which body part is up?" game.

Evidently, I was wrong.

I know I should be grateful that the most important things are still intact. Baby Girl is fine and healthy, and C-sections are obviously extremely common and not a big deal.

The doctor even said, as if it were a bonus, that I wouldn't have to go through all the uncertaintly of labor.

Is it weird that I'm actually really excited for all the uncertainty of labor? I feel like I've been training for a marathon that now I might not get to run. I want to feel my daughter come into this world, and I have been looking forward to that moment for 8 and a half months. And part of me is a little heartbroken that this might not be in the cards.

There are a few things left to try. If she doesn't "right" herself in the next week, then we have to schedule a C-section for week 39. I guessed that Baby would be a week early... I just never imagined it would be this way.

I am trying to be strong and grateful and keep my eye on the prize. Probably, none of this will matter in 6 months (or even 1 or 2!) once she is actually here. I hope that's true... because today it seems difficult and discouraging.