First, it was that tricky first trimester. I thought that if I could just survive (and Leah did, too) those first 14 weeks, life would be golden.
Then, at 20 weeks, I started having crazy fears that she would come early... waaaay too early.
After that it was worry over labor; worry that there would be something horribly, life-threateningly wrong which couldn't be diagnosed in-utero.
When she was perfect, I breathed a sigh of relief, and thought my worries would ease up.
Unfortunately, there is that tricky thing called SIDS, where babies go to sleep and simply don't wake up (GULP).
And somehow, it seems that life is just more complicated and scary when you're a momma (says the girl who went to school at 14 and got shot at... shouldn't I be fearless? Haven't I already lived through the worst? Turns out, not even close.).
When I talk about anxiety, people automatically jump to the "postpartum" discussion, and I really don't think that's the answer. Perhaps, though, the hormones, lack of sleep, stress, new life situation, etc, etc are all in cahoots with each other.
Regardless, it's the kind of worry that keeps me awake in the middle of the night. And it's not just the big stuff that keeps me up.
I worry that I'm not stimulating Leah as much as I should.
I worry that I'm smothering her and she'll turn into a toddler who can't entertain herself.
I worry that I'm not fulfilling my role as a wife.
I worry that I'm not keeping my house clean enough.
I worry that I'm not eating well enough to feed my daughter.
I worry about our daycare situation when I go back to work in the fall. (And by "worry," I mean it literally makes me cry every time I think about it.)
I worry that Leah sleeps too much. Or too little.
I worry about driving with her in the car (partly because she hates it, partly because... have you met other drivers?)
I worry that Casey and I aren't communicating the way we did pre-baby.
I worry that Casey will get some rare, incurable disease, or that something awful will happen to him. How would I live through that?
I worry about my parents'... well, everything.
And then... I feel guilty for worrying, when everything in my life is so perfect. And because worrying is stupid to begin with. As if my midnight worries can change anything anyway.
So I remind myself:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.~Proverbs 3:5
But still, this thing called motherhood... it's hard. Totally worth it, but real hard.