Friday, July 15, 2011

Pity Party? Check.

Alright, I'll admit: it wasn't my finest hour.

It's not that I'm not ridiculously excited for the no less than seven people in the last two weeks - including two just yesterday, hence my melt-down - who have shared that they are newly expecting.  Because I am.  Truly.

And also a little green.  Not the green that results from morning sickness, the green that results from the fact that I am not experiencing any morning sickness.  At all.  I'm perfectly healthy and vomit-free.  Whatever water cooler you all are drinking from, it hasn't been shared with me.

So I did what any sensible girl would do when she feels like the world just doesn't have her back: I ate a bunch of junk food, went to Dairy Queen and watched a Harry Potter marathon on tv.  (Like I said - not my finest hour).

Casey knowingly advised me that it's just my frame of reference.  It happened so easily before, this just seems like a challenge.  Of course, I never thought of a miscarriage and nearly a year of mourning/worrying that I can't get pregnant as easy, but I do understand what he was getting at.  The mechanics of it were easy both times.  Or so I told myself as I shoveled Blizzard into my mouth. 

And then I talked to my grandma, who is currently in Hawaii.  It sounds nice, except that she's there with much of the rest of my family to spread my aunt's ashes.  She passed away in February after battling cancer.  My grandmother is the picture of kindness and generosity, and she was absolutely broken hearted about the task she had ahead of her.  She relayed to me that she's not sure she can fly home and leave her baby on the beach.  At the age of 80, she still feels the loss of her child as pogniantly as any mother can. 

It helped me to have a bit of perspective I recognize I should have had all along.

Patience was never, ever my strong suit.  Nor is coming to terms with the fact that I simply don't have any control or influence over something that I deeply long for.  I can't just work harder or aim a little higher or believe a little more and affect the outcome. 

All I can do - what I should be doing instead of feeling defeated - is focus on what I do have, and that list isn't insubstantial.  My so-called problems aren't really problems at all; just a blip in an otherwise beautiful and serene road.  

So thanks for hanging with me through that episode.  I am afraid that it may not be the last time I freak out and forget all the wonderful blessings I have in my life, and just how very priviledged and undeserving I am of having them to begin with. 

And because you do deserve it: to my seven beautiful friends who are soon to become mommies, CONGRATULATIONS!  I honestly couldn't be happier for you and the sheer magic that is coming your way.   (Actually, there might be room for another 3% of happy if you'd send me some of that water, kay??)

Besides... this girl was so worth the wait.

Another little miracle is worth it, too.

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