Thursday, July 14, 2011

Oh me of little faith

Don't mind me.  I'm somewhere near the top today.

Remember when I said this?

Confession: When I wrote that, I was convinced that pretty much the next post I'd write would be to tell you that we're expecting.  Yes, I get that this sounds a bit cocky - no pun intended - but I've been pregnant twice before off of one-shot-wonders, neither of which should have ever actually happened. 

It's the getting pregnant part I'm good at, after all.  My success at carrying is only 50/50 - an F in academic terms - so it occurred to me to worry about the keeping the baby part, not the acquiring the baby part.

I'd really, really like to be that person, who writes about faith with confidence, patience and endurance. Who not only understands that God's timing is perfect, but also accepts it.

I have to admit that lately, I've been feeling a little faith-less.  Which, of course, only makes me more frustrated with myself.

I know that God already knows my baby - knows if it's a boy or a girl, the color of her eyes, the number of hairs on his head.  God knows its name and the exact moment that he or she will find its way into our lives. 

I can just see Him giving me that paternal pat on the head that says, "if you only knew the things I have in store for you!  I wish you wouldn't worry; just have a little faith, and you'll see."

I know that my baby is coming.  The baby that was always meant to have me as its mommy. 

I know too that my story doesn't hold a candle to some of the serious issues women face every day trying to get pregnant.  So really, the fact that I can't even stay positive for two months says something about me that I'd rather not analyze right now.

In a year or two, this little moment will seem so irrelevant.  Right now, it seems huge and daunting and eternal.

If faith can move mountains, my faith can't even move a grain of sand.  And that's just sad.


  1. sending happy thoughts and prayers your way. You know I know how you feel, and it's such a hard thing! It's totally normal and okay to have days where you are not as strong, and to be mad and sad and to lose a little faith. But it will come back , and you will be so much stronger for it! Hope things move a long a little quicker for you guys :) here's a tidbit of info: it too us doing artificial insemination three times in order to get pregnant this time, and with that, your chances are significantly higher than any other time, considering they take the best sperm, and insert it right where it needs to be, and the exact time of the month when you are most point being even with all that in our favor, sometimes it takes a few months for things to work :)good luck!

  2. I just noticed all my typos in that comment! Embarrassing! I hope you were still able to decipher what I was saying :) you're amazingly strong and I admire you greatly for being so honest and open! :)

  3. Hi Melissa - I don't mean to be a random nosey person invading your personal life, but I occasionally check your blog, because many times your posts put things into perspective for me. Just this past weekend, I miscarried - our first pregnancy. Your post means a lot to me today, and I just wanted to thank you for helping me gain a bit more perspective during this hard time.



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