Better than a hallelujah

There is a beautiful Christmas song by Amy Grant that has always made me cry.

One year, I sat in the parking lot while on my way to purchase Christmas gifts and absolutely sobbed when this song came on.

It's called Breath of Heaven, and it is written from the perspective of Mary talking to God about her fears surrounding this huge task He has set before her... namely, carrying the Son of God (no biggie...).

It appeals to me on so many levels - that of a survivor, that of a woman, and now, most poigniantly, that of a mother.

The verse that keeps coming back to me - especially as I have done this all by myself for the past month - is this one:

Do you wonder

as you watch my face

If a wiser one

should have had my place?

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan.

I have done a far from perfect job with my husband away. I am so flawed as a mother (as a person!). I so often wonder if God looks at me this way, and wonders if perhaps someone wiser, more patient and better equipped should have had my place. I struggle, because this is exactly where I want to be, and yet... it's just so darned difficult! I get caught up in the stress of how hard it is and forget to be grateful. And I am SO grateful.

I don't want to be the kind of person who gets everything she wants - far, far more than she could ever deserve - and still complains about my miracle.

And so I have to remember, consciously, and with effort, even when it is difficult, that I am so.darned.blessed.

I have to remember that the beautiful cries of my baby - no matter how difficult to endure - are infinitely better than the quiet of their absence.

Remember that so much of life isn't what happens to us, but how we choose to respond; how we choose to rise to the occassion.

Remember that the lullaby of my frustrated tears in the dead of night are better than a hallelujah song.

Above all, I have to remember that - flaws and imperfections and all - God chose me to be Leah's mommy. That's a pretty powerful thought!

Here's the song, if you're interested. It'll have you reaching for the tissues if you're an easy target (like me!).