Thursday, July 8, 2010

One year and a lifetime ago

One year ago, I got some very, VERY welcome news:

On this day, one year ago, our lives changed forever. It's funny how time is, because that moment seems so vivid to me, and at the same time, it might as well be from another lifetime...

After we miscarried in 2008, I had incredible mixed feelings about trying to get pregnant again. I didn't know if I could handle the heartbreak that I went through the first time.

Casey and I talked about it a lot that September (2008), and decided that, since I wouldn't be finished with my Masters degree until January ('09), and then I would begin a new job that August, the smartest thing to do would be to wait until June of 2010 to begin trying again so that I wouldn't be pregnant the first year of a new and demanding job.

All that sounded good on paper, but my heart was aching. Aching with loss, aching with the thought of what might have been, aching with the fear of what might not ever be. Aching because I felt in my heart that I was a mommy already - I just didn't have my baby yet.

I only made it to January before I started asking to try again. Casey kept telling me no. Well... not no, but kept reminding me how very smart our original plan was.

And it was a smart plan.

One that, by June of '09 - a full year before our smart, well planned, agreed upon "trying" time - I had worn him down on.

Maybe, I argued, we could just try twice - once in June, and once in July so that we would still have the spring baby every teacher desires. If it didn't happen, then I would do my best to wait patiently for another year. (I hate to think how long I would have actually held up my end of that bargain!)

Thankfully, he relented. We tried once, and I was quite sure it would amount to nothing. I had been keeping track of my cycles - just in case, you know - and by the time he agreed, it should have been too late to give me the outcome I desired. (Oh, and... TMI ALERT... If you're relying on the rhythm method, let me tell you a story about a little girl named Leah!)

So when I took a pregnancy test, more because I had been feeling strange than anything else, I didn't expect to see the tiniest, slightest ghost of a second line. I took another, with the same result.

I couldn't let myself get my hopes up, so I promised myself that I would test again in a week. I waited 5 days... that was pretty close.

Five days later was July 8, 2009, and I had the best news I could have ever hoped for.

A year later, life is even better. Those were the most beautiful and welcome two lines in the history of the world. I can't imagine being more grateful.

And... being pregnant the first year of a new job? Totally worth it.

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