Sunday, November 21, 2010
So many of the things that I write down, I do so because those memories are very dear to me.
I also do it in the hope that someday, Leah will have a record of just how much her parents loved her, and just how hard we worked to give her a life that is beautiful, happy, and full.
In that spirit, I have to document something not quite as happy. Casey and I had a fight. A BIG one. Not the yelling, screaming at each other kind (typically, we don't do that anyway), the kind that's worse - the kind where I went to bed in the guest room. The kind where I felt so frustrated, I just needed a break.
I love my husband. I adore him! We are usually extremely good at working together to set priorities and kick butt when it comes to getting things accomplished.
We're struggling - really struggling - since Leah was born to get on the same page in terms of priorities and accomplishing everything that there is to get done in a day or week.
Once upon a time before I was pregnant, I did a great many things around the house. In fact, I take huge pride in being able to manage the household. Our house was spotless. Our drawers were clean; our baseboards were clean; our drapes were washed regularly. The laundry always got done and put away. The flowers were planted neatly. The dogs were groomed; the windows washed. The bills were always paid on time, and the budget was always perfectly balanced. The menus were always planned and the grocery shopping was taken care of. Parties were planned - complete with themes, matching food and decor, and it was something that I not only enjoyed, but relished taking care of.
Enter pregnant Melissa. Enter pregnant, working Melissa. Enter new-mom Melissa. Enter sleep-deprived, mommy-mode, working teacher Melissa.
My side of the story is that I struggle with maintaining the quality of our lives in addition to taking on everything that has to do with Leah, which - more often than not - falls to me.
Eight months after Leah was born, it is an issue that we not only still haven't resolved, it's an issue that makes me so frustrated and feel so overwhelmed with that it sends me to bed in the guest room. Not a good solution, I know.
I recount this story in the hopes that our children will know that marriage, having a family, having jobs, having a life... it's a hard business!! When Leah goes through this - as I hope and pray she will, because it means she has all the amazing blessings Casey and I have been given - I want her to know that she is not alone.
I also want her to know that her parents struggled, and in that struggle, we find strength. That we're not perfect, but we're always willing to work for the sake of each other and the sake of our family. I want her to know that it's WORTH working out, even when it's hard.
We will get there. I know that this is not going to overcome us. I am lucky in knowing that neither of us is going anywhere, and both of us are willing to take accountability where it needs to be taken, say I'm sorry where apologies need to be given, and make it work.
For that reason, I know I have married the best, most awesome man.
Here is one little tool that we are finding helpful. I like it because I see myself - flaws and all - in it. I think Casey does, too, which makes it that much more useful in getting us unstuck.